You Know That I Love You

For the longest time, I have wrestled with thoughts of self-condemnation—the product of being a perfectionist and also an overly harsh self-critic. I see myself continually falling into a cycle of placing unrealistic expectations on myself, falling short to some degree, then wallowing in shame and regret for not knowing or doing better. Recently, I have been able to trace the origin of these recurring thought patterns to my vision of a beautiful Christian life. What is a Christian, and what is the nature of Christian witness? The way I live my life seems to answer: "having your ducks in a row." The vision of a respectable Christian life that I so zealously strive after is a life that is put together, or in other words, perfect. I see this vision manifest itself in my aversion toward complete vulnerability, my inability to take risks, and my tendency to dwell on past failures. 

Inevitably, when things do not go as perfectly as planned, I face much self-rejection. Jean Vanier, who spent years living with disabled men and women, observed that their greatest pain was not any physical ailment, but rather rejection—"the feeling that nobody wants you ‘like that.’ The feeling that you are seen as ugly, dirty, a burden, of no value." How much more searing the pain when rejection comes from within! Reflecting on self-rejection has brought me to the end of the gospel of John, where Jesus has the following dialogue with Peter:

When they had finished breakfast, Jesus said to Simon Peter, “Simon, son of John, do you love me more than these?” He said to him, “Yes, Lord; you know that I love you.” He said to him, “Feed my lambs.” He said to him a second time, “Simon, son of John, do you love me?” He said to him, “Yes, Lord; you know that I love you.” He said to him, “Tend my sheep.” He said to him the third time, “Simon, son of John, do you love me?” Peter was grieved because he said to him the third time, “Do you love me?” and he said to him, “Lord, you know everything; you know that I love you.” Jesus said to him, “Feed my sheep.”

Peter has denied Jesus three times, after audaciously declaring that he would never do so. In his first dialogue with Peter after the resurrection, Jesus asks Peter one simple question: "Do you love me?" When I reflect on this question, I am greatly moved. "Do you love me?" insinuates that Jesus is not looking for perfection in Peter. Instead of perfect obedience or even perfect love, Jesus simply wants love. Jesus sees past Peter’s deficiencies and knows that his love is pure, sincere, and real. Furthermore, "Do you love me?" signals that Jesus is not looking to elicit an explanation for Peter's shortcomings. Jesus does not want Peter to dwell in condemnation or shame; instead, he reminds Peter that he is forgiven and his past actions do not define him. It is as if Jesus wants to convey to Peter, You really do love me! I know that, and I want you to be confident of that too. 

We love Jesus; we fail Jesus; Jesus reminds us that we are always part of his family. This is the cycle of the Christian life. I previously thought that Peter was gifted with an extremely short memory and an innate ability to get over things easily. I now realize that Peter simply had a deep understanding of who he was: sinful, prone to error, and imperfect, yet forgiven, loved, and called. Peter had an even deeper understanding of who Jesus was: tender, merciful, and full of compassion. Do I know Jesus like this? As One who knows my darkness more deeply than I do and still embraces me, chooses me, and delights in me? Maybe if I did, self-condemnation would cease, knowing that Jesus does not reject me. And then perhaps I could be reminded that even despite my mistakes, I truly do love Jesus. This is the lifelong struggle of being a Christian: to be confident in Jesus’ love for me and to be confident in my love for Jesus.

"This is how we know that we belong to the truth and how we set our hearts at rest in his presence: If our hearts condemn us, we know that God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything.” 1 John 3:19-20