“And without faith it is impossible to
please God, because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and
that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.”
Recently, I finished reading Søren Kierkegaard’s Fear and Trembling, a book about
faith in the story of Abraham and Isaac. While the entire book is an attempt to
articulate the nature of faith, Kierkegaard concedes that faith is
fundamentally paradoxical, illogical, and “begins precisely where thinking
leaves off.” Writing under the pseudonym Johannes de Silentio (John of the
Silence), he stands in wonder at Abraham’s faith and describes that faith is
better learned through silent observation rather than dialectical discourse.
I resonate with Kierkegaard’s writings
greatly. For me, much of this past year living overseas was rediscovering what
it means to live by faith—rediscovery enabled through the friendship of a Tibetan
brother. After living and working alongside him this past year, I have
concluded the word that best sums up his life is absurd. Very
few people live the way that he lives. A couple years ago, he felt the
call to establish a school in his community where children and their families
could learn about their Creator. Starting any new venture from scratch entails
much risk and courage, especially in a country where such undertaking is
illegal. After leaving his job, he began to pour his all into the school
amid much scorn from his immediate family and church community.
Nothing is ever safe when it comes to this
brother, and his actions could be easily misconstrued as impractical,
irresponsible, and imprudent. But he sees clearly past the illusion that life
is in his control. He is deaf to those that say, “Life would be so much more
simple if you would just be more practical with your decisions.” He has given
up everything to follow the Lord, and knows that it is worth it, even when he
cannot see. The brother’s absurdity is grounded in the certainty that God
is a good Father who will take care of him and all his needs. In the complete
surrender and unswerving trust, I see an abundant freedom.
According to Kierkegaard, the brother has
made the movements of faith. Kierkegaard describes faith as infinite
resignation (usually of what is most precious to us), but at the same
time, absolute confidence that whatever is given up will be restored on the
strength of the absurd. Abraham was willing to offer Isaac to God, but at the
same time, remained confident that he would get Isaac back. The
brother did not hesitate to lay down all forms of security to go
after what God had put on his heart, all the while holding onto the assurance
that God would bring the school to fruition.
The paradox of faith entails both letting
go and clinging onto. Too often, only one aspect is emphasized. Letting go
without clinging onto turns faith into wishful thinking, because nothing is
really expected or asked for. Clinging onto without letting go often results in
self-centered demands and agendas. True faith is two-fold: I surrender and
relinquish control, but at the same time, I am absolutely confident that God
will be faithful to His promises. Sell everything, leave your nets, and come
follow me.
Observing this brother live by faith has
stirred within me a jealousy to experience the same freedom that his life of
faith entails. I have realized that so much of my life is an attempt to
control things, to play things safely and thereby maintain my own security. I
often function out of psuedo-faith: I will pray, but at the very
moment of prayer, I find myself busy planning my own kind of answer. The
temptation to make things happen by my own strength or by worldly methods is
strong, and this double-mindedness makes true faith impossible. There is no
letting go or clinging onto; only fear, doubt, and self-reliance.
If there is anything I have learned
this year, it is this: there is no straggling the line when it comes to faith.
Either I choose to live absolutely by faith, or I don’t. The
brother’s life is marked by a unique simplicity. He has put his hand to the
plow and has not looked back. Complexity and overthinking causes hesitation,
and hesitation is the death of faith. I now know more clearly that if I choose
to follow Christ, I have to risk everything in order to gain everything. I must
let go of the visible supports which will one day fail, and gamble everything
on the invisible.
When I choose to not live by faith, I deny
God a chance to show me His boundless love. In living completely by faith, I
let God be who He is: Provider, Deliverer, and the God of Miracles. I have
witnessed the Lord faithfully provide for this brother and his family time and
time again, without fail. The God in the Bible has truly been the God of his
own life. I am filled with a jealousy to claim this truth even more confidently
for myself.
